I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize