Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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