dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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