I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
