I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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