I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
