After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
