I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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