smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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