I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
