The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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