I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize