Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
