At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
