cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
