I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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