Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
