Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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