Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
