She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
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