my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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