Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
