just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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