You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
