I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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