best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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