I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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