no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
