The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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