6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My bed smells like the plague
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
