Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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