i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
