My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
