I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize