I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
