Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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