I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
