I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
