i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
time to smoke my breakfast
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
