If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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