20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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