Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
