I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
