I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
