Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
