My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
