This is not my ceiling
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
