my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
