Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize