two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
