I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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