my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
