you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
