Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
