I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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