I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
